Dying the way Mike is sucks... It sucks to not feel good, to not have energy to even do simple things anymore.. to hurt and to ache and yet have your mind realize all this besides...

To want to be back to normal or be let go of... to be out of this life thing you are in.. It just sucks.. To miss the normal things like cuddling with your loved one.. and not have the energy to really hug her.. to have her not be there all the time... yeah.. you know and understand it all..but you still want it all... like it was.. when you were not sick.. not dying..

To be put into a separate bed that you no longer share with your love. To be too sick to do anything but you still feel.. you still yearn.. you still want.. but maybe not as much as when you do feel good...when you were healthy and vibrant.

It makes one appreciate the desire to have the ability to die when you want to. To have it go painlessly.. to do it before you are a burden and are not able to share in the joys of life...
But then.. what if there is the chance at a miracle.. be in a medical one by docs or a spiritual one given by God... where you can overcome this difficult time..and live again..

Jocelyn said..even though it is hard.. she treasures every minute she has with him.. she is trying to learn from each minute... to hold this time as precious.. she does not want him to go.. She loves him..

I do not know how I could handle it if it was Paul.. the Lord knows.. Heaven knows..

Mike is not the exuberant man he was.. he was so good at talking to people at selling anything.. at loving others.. Even now I think he cares about how his sickness affects all of us.. He apologizes when he throws up or has a hard time..

It is so moving here tonight.. maybe that is why I am here.. just to experience this with Mike and Jocelyn.. certainly not to really help them by anything I can do except lend moral support and let them know I care..

I know that Paul's family experienced some of this with Dad Norm dying slowly.. and more with Kate dying last year... but somehow.. it is not the same for me.. I experienced it differently than the closer members of the family.. I was more dispassionate.. less connected.. in some respects I probably am here too.. but not quite as much.. I don't know..

I really like these articles
On Death and Dying By William M. Timmins

Dealing with Death and Dying: Providing Emotional Support for the Bereaved or Terminally Ill By Clifford J. Stratton

Most of the time we can read things.. but until we face them the readings do not have as much pertaining to us.. until we need them.. so it is good to find things when we need them.. and like I said.. these articles help...

I love Mike and Jocelyn.. have really come to see and know them better through this.. and to appreciate Jocelyn more than I could in any other ways we could connect.. I understand why Mike loves her.. I am so happy he found her to have in his life... I just wish they could have more time together.. real time to enjoy each other and this life.. but it will not be.. no matter how much I wish it could be.. how much I wish that a miracle will happen.. I see him and just do not feel that is what will happen.. He is dying.. just that it sucks...